How do I talk to parents about their child’s behaviour?

What should happen before the difficult call?

The conversation about behaviour is settled long before it happens. Parents who have only ever heard bad news from school arrive with their shoulders up by their ears. Parents who know you like their child arrive as partners. So make the first contact a good one, early in the year: ‘Mrs Doyle, I’m not ringing about a problem at all. I just wanted to tell you Jude was really kind to a new child today.’ Two minutes, and you are no longer a stranger when the harder call comes.

This is not soft soap. The DfE’s Behaviour in schools advice (February 2024) lists communicating praise to parents by phone or in writing among the ways to recognise good behaviour, and encourages schools to build positive relationships with parents by keeping them updated and encouraging them to celebrate their children’s successes. Use whatever channel a family actually reads: a call, the class app, a word at the gate.

How do you open the conversation?

With the child, not the problem. Start with ‘We need to talk about Jude’s behaviour’ and you get defences. Start with something true and good and you get someone who can listen: ‘I’m really glad you’ve come. Jude’s a child I’m glad to have in the class. He’s kind, and when something grabs him he’s all in. And that’s exactly why I wanted to share something with you.’

Then describe, don’t judge. ‘Jude’s aggressive’ is a verdict, and almost every parent will stand up against a verdict on their child. ‘This week, on three occasions, Jude pushed another child in the line. On Tuesday, when the task got harder, he threw his pencil down and cried’ is a description. You can argue with a verdict, but it is hard to argue with what a camera would have caught. Then add the pattern you’ve noticed: ‘It almost always happens the moment something’s just beyond him.’

How do you turn it into a plan?

Hand over and listen. Parents know their child in a world you never see: ‘Do you see anything like this at home? What helps him when he gets stuck?’ Write down what they say, including the parts you’d rather not hear. Then work through the rest of the conversation in order:

• One shared goal, framed from the child: ‘What I’d love us to aim for is that Jude can keep going when something’s hard, without it tipping into a blow-up. Are we agreed?’
• One small, concrete step for each side: ‘At school I’ll give him a heads-up before harder tasks. Could you ask him in the evening what went well today?’
• A note of the agreement, short and readable for both of you.
• A date to check in, two or three weeks out: ‘Five minutes on the phone in three weeks?’

Should the pupil be in the room?

With a teenager, usually yes. Two adults discussing an absent fourteen-year-old produce a verdict that gets served up at home as a punishment. A three-way conversation turns the student from the subject of the meeting into someone in it. Seat everyone round a corner or in a half-circle, so the two adults aren’t lined up against him, and set the frame out loud: ‘We’re not here to give Connor a kicking. We’re here because all three of us want this to go better, and it can’t without him.’

Then run four phases. Your view, brief and about behaviour: ‘In the last three weeks Connor’s walked out four times without asking.’ His view, genuinely: ‘Connor, how do you see it?’, followed by a silence you hold. A shrug is a normal first move, so help him in: ‘What makes it hard to stay in the room?’ Finally one agreement, in his words if possible, said out loud so everyone heard the same thing.

What if the parent pushes back, or never comes?

The defensive parent says ‘He never does that at home.’ Don’t contradict: ‘I believe you. Children are often very different at home and in a group, which is why it helps to put both pictures together.’ The angry one says ‘Maybe it’s you.’ Take the feeling, not the content: ‘I can hear this makes you angry. I’m not trying to work out whose fault it is. I want things to be better for your child here, and for that I need you.’ If it turns abusive: ‘I’m happy to keep talking about Connor, but I won’t be spoken to like that.’ A postponed conversation isn’t a failed one.

The empty chair is rarely indifference. More often it is shifts, shame or bad memories of school. Change the channel rather than sending a third letter: ‘Just tell me when and how works for you. Five minutes on the phone is plenty.’ Give a tired parent one small job, not the whole mountain. Where language is a barrier, ask the school for an interpreter. Never use the child or a sibling. If nothing reaches the family, log your attempts and bring in the pastoral team.

When does a parents’ conversation stop being about behaviour?

‘He’ll get a hiding when he gets home’, said once in heat, is a moment to steer back to help: ‘This isn’t about punishing him. It’s about working out what he needs.’ But if what you hear starts to sound like a child being hurt or neglected, it has become a safeguarding concern. Don’t investigate and don’t promise the parent confidentiality. Record what was said, word for word, and tell your Designated Safeguarding Lead the same day. Under Keeping children safe in education 2026, it is the DSL who considers whether informing parents could put the child at additional risk (paragraph 60).

Two smaller points help in every meeting. Maintained schools must publicise their behaviour policy in writing to parents at least once a year (Education and Inspections Act 2006, section 89(6)), so you can point to the shared rules rather than your own. And Behaviour in schools expects parents to raise concerns about how behaviour is managed directly with the school, while continuing to work in partnership. If a parent becomes hostile or threatening, step back, bring in the headteacher and record it.